I turn 34 today. If there’s one thing I love to do, it’s to indulge in a bit of self-reflection on my birthday – so here’s a non-comprehensive list of a few lessons I’ve learned over the years.
- Most of the things I was deeply insecure about when I was younger, I have either managed to improve over the years or learned to embrace as a part of myself. If you had told me this as a teenager, I would have never believed it! Turns out, perfection is boring. At 34, I am the most confident version of myself and the most content in my skin that I have ever been.
- If you make an effort to do more of the things you used to love when you were growing up, you might find yourself unlocking a whole new level of fulfillment and fun.
- Most of the things you worry about will not happen, and some things you never even thought to worry about will. This is both comforting and terrifying. I guess the lesson here could either be – don’t worry so much about worst case scenarios because most will never come true, or: just make sure to worry more thoroughly to cover all possible worst case scenarios. Up to you, really.
- It’s generally a good sign if you’re a little embarrassed of the person you used to be (it means you’ve grown and evolved), but try to think of her with kindness and compassion and love – you owe her a lot.
- Just check when the next train is coming before leaving the house. Assume it will arrive two minutes earlier than it says. Awkwardly running to the station in your work outfit is one of those tiny humiliations that can and should be avoided, especially if you get sweaty easily.
- You have to learn how to communicate when something bothers you. As an introvert and generally pretty independent person, this does not come naturally to me. I’m much more of an internalizer and I like to work through thoughts and feelings inside the comfort of my own brain first (or…forever). I knew in theory that this was not ideal but didn’t really make an effort to change until I met my husband, who can immediately tell when something occupies my mind and will make me verbalize it (sometimes badly, but it’s the effort that counts, right?).
- Be willing to be wrong about some of the beliefs you hold (and hold onto) about yourself. At 30, I learned that I actually quite enjoy public speaking (it’s still terrifying though, but in a good way?). At 33, I realized I love going to an office five days a week as long as the office is nice and there are snacks. Growing up, I hated gym class with a passion because I thought I was completely useless at it – at 25, I started to enjoy working out. It can be kinda fun to prove yourself wrong and learn new things about yourself. Though I did get my driver’s license at 31 and have not driven since. I know I need to make an effort, but I’m still holding on to my passenger princess identity for now…
- A lesson from my days of online dating in NYC: there’s a lot of conflicting dating advice out there, but in my opinion you are allowed to look for that elusive spark when dating – don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, especially if you’re a woman. You can even make first date chemistry a requirement for a second date (I certainly did – sue me). That said, not every spark translates to real compatibility and some people are just incredibly gifted at creating a sparkling first date environment with no intention of a second meeting. So proceed with caution.
- Another dating lesson – accept that you (looks + personality) won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. Make it as quick and painless as possible for people to recognise whether you’re more Irish Breakfast or Lemon & Ginger and swipe left or right accordingly. If you are on the apps, that means make your profile (and initial conversations) specific. Use pictures that represent you. Get original with the prompts. Ask somewhat revealing questions – for example, I used to start my conversations by asking “what would we argue about in couples therapy?”. It helped me immediately weed out a good chunk of people who took things too seriously. It probably helped them avoid a terrible first date with yours truly, too. That said, I did not ask my husband that question on Hinge because he was very handsome and I was willing to risk a boring first date. Make of that what you will.
- Okay, one final dating lesson – don’t text forever before a first date. It’s perfectly possible to have amazing textual chemistry and a thoroughly uninspiring date. Save yourself the disappointment (and the fun texting for post date).
- The body knows when something is not right before your brain does. This will manifest in various ways (my body always finds ways to surprise me). If you learn to listen and trust your body, it will save you a lot of time.
- Life is too short to read bad books and I have no qualms about putting down a book I don’t enjoy. However, there is a difference between ‘this master piece takes some time to get into’ and ‘this is just not a good book’ (especially if you’ve been reading a lot of easy to digest books in a row). Also, I know this is a little cheeky, but sometimes reading the occasional bad book can give you the confidence to embark on your own creative writing projects.
- Don’t use AI for your personal writing and correspondence. I would much rather receive an email with three typos or imperfect sentence structure written by a human than a polished but soulless message written by a large language model.
- There are no short cuts to creative expression. The struggle and process is the point. I think about this quote from Ira Glass on closing the (painful) gap between your taste and your skills a lot.
- Slightly related – at some point, you have to stop paying for the next course or workshop and just do the freaking work. Classes and learning in community are great and it’s so important to identify what skills you are lacking. Sometimes, the right workshop or course can kick start something exciting. But the constant urge to soak up more passive knowledge instead of just doing bad work for a little bit and learning by doing is one of my most insidious forms of creative procrastination.
- Every object you would like to own most likely already exists and is in need of a new loving home. Vintage shopping for clothes and furniture is so much fun and will help you cultivate your taste.
- But unfortunately, if you buy the most perfect vintage espresso silk shirt and just cannot get rid of its musty smell even after throwing it in the freezer and two rounds of dry cleaning, you will have to say a heartbreaking goodbye. Such are the perils of online thrifting.
- It is also possible to get a little addicted to secondhand shopping online. If that happens, you have to go cold turkey for a bit. Force yourself to test drive all the clothes you’ve bought and haven’t had the chance to wear yet. Fall in love with some. Cut your losses on others. Donate them or try to sell at Beacon’s Closet or Buffalo Exchange. Get humiliated by the Gen Z buyer who tells you that no one really wears Levi’s 501 anymore.
- Get into the habit of hand washing your delicates, especially if you don’t have washing machine with a delicates cycle at home. It’s not rocket science, but it is a game changer. Not having to dry clean everything will help you wear things more often. For everything else, a pick up wash & fold service is a luxury I am incredibly grateful for.
- Use (up) your nice things. Wear your good shoes, your silks, your favourite jewellery (especially your favourite jewellery). Use the nice shampoo or the fancy soap or the insanely overpriced Vitamin C you bought.
- Learn to keep track of your money, ideally before you have any. Mint converted me to a monthly budget – I now use (and love) Monarch and check it religiously.
- Buy a steamer that you can travel with. I am emotionally attached to mine – it not only steamed all my wedding outfits, but also my husband’s as well as the shirts and dresses of about 10 other guests! A real game changer.
- Purchase books at your local independent bookstore if you can. It’s more expensive but it’s an investment worth making for the future of bookstores. And you might get some fun merch if you collect points (this has been a delightful recent discovery at Greenlight bookstore in Fort Greene).
- The Libby app is incredible if you, like me, like to read a lot and fast and enjoy reading on your phone (I just like a tiny screen). You can connect your library cards and take out ebooks and audiobooks for free. Sometimes I will fall in love with an ebook I read on Libby and then purchase a physical copy. This is the best possible scenario.
- Speaking of – find your happy places and seek them out whenever you can. For me, that’s libraries. Since I was a kid, libraries have been equal parts home and a portal to another world for me.
- The following things were very helpful for me to learn about myself: how my menstrual cycle affects my mood (2019), what Myers-Briggs personality type I test as (2014, INFJ), what colors I look and feel the best in (the verdict is out on whether I’m a deep winter or deep autumn, but one thing is for sure – pastels are not for me), what types of clothes make me feel most confident (classic cuts, long skirts and loose trousers, bootcut denim), and how I work best (not unlike a HIIT workout, my brain thrives on intense spurts of work with time to let ideas soak in between). Don’t beat yourself up for all the things you are not and will never be (in my case, an extrovert who looks good in a mini skirt, gets things done without a deadline, has a rigorous daily creative discipline and is always in the mood to socialize), and lean into what you are instead.
- If you’re feeling sad, try to do something for someone else. Sign up to volunteer your skills or your time. Focusing outwards and taking action is the best cure I know for heartbreak and going through difficult times.
- Learn to cook ten easy, nourishing dishes that you love. If you eat meat, try to buy it from your local butcher.
- Hosting people can be a lot of work, but for me, it’s one of the great joys of life. If you enjoy having people over and have a space that allows you to do it, host regularly. It will improve your life immensely and it doesn’t need to be fancy. Do it without expecting anything in return.
- Don’t experiment with certain things if you don’t have to. I have had the same haircut (bangs, baby!) since I was three, with a brief and most regrettable interruption from 2015 to 2016. I love the foundation I’ve used since I tracked down the most sweat and humidity proof formula on the market when I lived in Singapore. I love my Cetaphil moisturizer and my one and only perfume. If it works and you like it, no need to try something new for the sake of it.
- Unfortunately, sometimes a new planner really is the solution to all of your problems (I am obsessed with my Paper Republic Grand Voyager and its five inserts). Document your life as much as you can – your future self will thank you.
- If you live abroad, try to spend as much time with your family as you can while you can. Even if it is inconvenient or expensive sometimes. You won’t regret it and will remember the time fondly. The same thing applies to friends who live far away. As you get older and your lives get busy, you won’t be perfect at staying in touch, but try to spend meaningful time together when you are in the same location and keep each other in the loop on life’s big and small events. It’s also never too late to reconnect with old friends who you have lost touch with – though you might not always succeed. Often, old friends are the only ones that know a certain past version of you that you might have lost touch with yourself – and vice versa.
- Resist the need to rush your life and trust the timing of your life. As a teenager and into my early twenties, I used feel so embarrassed about being a late bloomer. If this is you, too, remember: you will not care about this in twenty years. It’s funny to now think back to those times – no one needs a boyfriend in high school, in my humble opinion. And when it comes to my education, my career, and my personal life, I have experienced a few incidents of truly wonderful serendipity over the years that could not have happened any other way and completely changed the course of my life. Be open to those opportunities.
- But life is also short and not guaranteed. Make sure to go after the things you want and don’t let perfectionism (the procrastinating kind) stop you. Be honest to yourself about what you would most regret not giving a serious try in this lifetime and try to do that thing, even if it’s hard.
